30Thrive

Every time my husband travels, my mind creeps to that deep, dark place.  What if he has an accident?  What if God takes him away?  What if I’m left alone with my three young children? 

What to expect

I think a reasonable amount of time to ask from your mentor is one appointment once a month for a six month commitment.  Your mentor may be willing and able to give more which would be a bonus.   It seems that every woman I have desired to spend hours with actually has very few to spare because she already gives so much to her family, church, and community.

Don’t expect her to spoon feed you.  A good mentor helps you interpret your situation from a bird’s eye view and encourages you to take the narrow road, but the details typically still remain up to you and the Lord.  It would be crippling to your growth for her to always fill in the blanks for you.  You can, however, expect her to share the riches of wisdom she’s learned from her mountains and valleys, not to mention the prayer, encouragement, and support she’ll so enjoy showering on you.  The women I’ve spoken with, who’ve stepped out in faith and begun to mentor a younger lady, are so expressive of the blessing they’re receiving from the experience.  It’s a win-win for everyone!

You can’t push a noodle.  I’ve tried and it’s brutal.  The intangible, intimidating thing about mentoring is that there’s no real curriculum other than the issues going on in the life of the mentee.  If you’re not willing to be transparent with your mentor then don’t even waste her time with an appointment.  Also, don’t burden your mentor by showing up each time with nothing prepared.  Here’s what you can do:

Let’s correct the situation we’re in.  Let’s pledge to pursue mentoring and to pass it on!  Let’s not leave the generation of our daughters untrained. Let’s glean all we can from today’s pillars so we’ll have the spiritual depth to live lives worth emulating. 

Just imagine if spiritual mentoring became the cultural norm in our churches.  Our walks with God would mature, producing healthier marriages and tighter families.  Our children would grow up with greater examples and deeper convictions.  Our churches would be a web of interlocking relationships crossing all generations.  We could actually function as a team in tending to each other and reaching the community, country, and world with the saving message of Jesus!  And we’d have the lives to back it up! 

So, mentee, what older, wiser woman will you contact?

If you want to be spiritually mentored, but there is no organic or programmed mentoring going on in your church, then here is what you should do:

I have been spiritually mentored off and on for the past 10 years.  Sometimes it was a weekly one on one appointment, sometimes a monthly phone call.  A few times it fell in my lap, mostly I had to go out and get it.  But it was always a tremendous privilege!  Outside of my personal, daily time with God, discipleship and mentoring have been the #1 contributors to my spiritual health.  I realize I am in the very small percentage of women who ever get these opportunities and I’m determined to do something about it.  Let’s start with a practical dissection of the subject:

Humans flourish with personal attention.  It’s true in every facet of life.  Your grades were better when you were tutored, your athletic performance improved when your coach was around, salespeople sell more when they talk regularly with a sales coach.  Our spiritual lives are no exceptions.  If a wiser woman gave you personal attention on a regular basis, assuming your cooperation, you would notice increased fruit in your life.

Tiger, Peyton, and Serena all have coaches.  Is it because they are the best or is it in part what has made them the best?

It’s time we all stopped ignoring the 4^th spoke of our life wheel, our spiritual life, and give it the same intentionality with which we’ve supplied our intellectual, physical, and social lives.

General Definition:  Mentoring is the intentional relationship between 2 people where the wiser, more experienced person counsels and guides the other.

In the realm of spiritual growth, let’s make some distinctions:

It is helpful to note that one does not need a seminary degree or counseling degree to mentor.  A track record of walking in cooperation with God’s lead in your life is what it takes. 

Despite the command in Titus 2:3-5 for the older women to train the younger women, we’re not seeing much mentoring in the Christian community.  Here are 3 reasons why:

When the victory comes and God breathes life into the situation, remember verse 20 and help those around you to see, know, consider, and understand that God’s hand did it!

You may never have noticed that God commands you to have certain emotions.  We’re used to Him commanding our actions, attitudes, and thoughts, but sometimes don’t realize our emotions are under His jurisdiction as well.  Can we help what we feel?  Are we obligated to produce certain feelings for God?  Yes and Yes!

Rejoice means to feel great delight.  At times we have plenty of delight in our Lord but then it fades quickly at the slightest threat of discomfort, opposition, or stress.  Think about the last time you genuinely rejoiced in the Lord.  How long was it before you lost your great delight in Him?  

Our biggest barrier to rejoicing is our worldly paradigm.  We are ever forgetting that the spiritual realm is more real than the physical one.  The physical realities of pain and disappointment cast dark shadows over the spiritual realities of life and victory.  Like all other spiritual issues, the battle is in the mind and intentional effort is paramount to victory.  The fuel for rejoicing is found in the truths of Scripture. There are ample verses in the Bible that, when taken to heart, quickly supply great delight in Christ, so we’re not without ammunition.  Most of us, however, are without skill or the habit of discipline.  

Let’s talk about skill.  Quote 5 verses that instantly give you great delight in the Lord.  This should be easy assuming our extensive exposure to God’s Word, but so few Christians actually memorize Scripture.  Start now.  Choose 2 verses, write them on a note card and begin to meditate on them.  To meditate is to chew on the meaning in your mind repeatedly till the concepts are deeply embedded in your heart and the words easily come to mind.  When you meditate, memorization happens naturally.  Place your note cards somewhere you frequent – your dashboard, mirror, window sill above the kitchen sink.  I keep mine on my treadmill to meditate on while I run.  It’s hard to read when you run so I use very large font on half sheets of paper.  Without fail, I always leave my workout with a heart full of love and joy for my Savior.  The Word of God is living and active!!

That leaves the habit of discipline.  To continue a habit requires completely different ingredients than starting one.  You have to have resolve and accountability and guts.  Look at yourself in the mirror and ask, “Are you going to stay this way forever or are you serious about changing?” Weigh the pros and cons.  Convince yourself to work hard at cooperating with the change God is trying to bring about in you.  Then write a few goals, a simple plan to follow on a daily basis.  If you meditated on God’s Word and prayed to Him every day for as little as 30 minutes, your life would transform!!  You have to try it!!  Then tell someone your plan that has the heart and care to ask you about it regularly.  Lastly, when life squeezes you hard to drop your plan, beg God for strength and step out in faith.  James 4:8 says “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.”  Notice who’s to take the first step.  You are!  

Pray with me:  “Lord, there are a million plus reasons why I should take great delight in You but I often don’t.  I confess this and am deeply sorry.  I am wrong for putting this world’s circumstances first in my heart and mind.  I want to make a change.  Help me to establish a doable plan to meditate on Your Word and pray to You every day.  I do rejoice in You because You have rescued me from the pit and crowned me with loving kindness!  And for a million more reasons, I love You!  Thank You for all Your involvement in my life.  I want to be on Your page and cooperate with Your agenda.  Change me.  Use me.  Amen.”

My beloved cousin, Lindsey O'Brien Kesling

I had the privilege of speaking at my cousin's Memorial Service this week and below is what I said.  For anyone who has faced the reality of death in a personal way, I hope this post brings comfort: 

We all have something in common today.  It is likely that we are thinking more clearly at this very moment than we ever have.  We are acutely aware of how fragile life is and how certain death is.  It gives us a unique grasp on reality, a unique wisdom we don’t normally carry with us.  All our priorities come into perspective.  So may we all pay attention to this moment and learn from it. 

We are feeling tremendous grief inside…even anger, despair, confusion, and disbelief. And it makes sense that we would feel this way because humans were created for life.  We were never meant to die.  Things were never meant to be like this.  But we live in a broken world and there is brokenness all around us.  Each of us ourselves is broken.  We’re broken on two levels:  physically our bodies are breaking down and will eventually die, but we’re broken on the inside too.  There is a restlessness and an insecurity within, a hunger we cannot fill.  If we’re honest with ourselves, no matter how much genuine passion we have for life or deep love we feel for others, we still cannot fix our inner brokenness, our unquenchable thirst for purpose, security, and fulfillment.  

I submit to you that the reason for our brokenness is that we all in some form or fashion have lived as if we have no Creator.  We’ve lived our life as if there is no God.  The Bible calls this sin.  For some it is inward and subtle for others it is outward and blatant.  But it doesn’t matter:  we all have neglected our obligation to live loyal to our Maker.  And because of this, we experience brokenness.

No doubt God is offended by our disregard for Him.  He takes it as a personal offense.  But He also is merciful and has provided a very clear solution.  The solution is unexpected.  It is not doing better or being better.   See, the bottom line is that broken people can’t fix themselves.  We have to have outside help.  That is why God’s solution for us is a person, and a relationship with that person:  the person of Jesus Christ.  He did for us what we could not do for ourselves.  He fixed us inside and out.  He lived the perfect life we could not live.  He died the death that was intended for us, to pay for our sins.  And He came back to life, defeating death, our biggest enemy.  He paid our debt before God and He freed us from our enemy.  No one in history has ever done this or claimed to do this but Him.  That’s what makes Him so unique.  Jesus truly is our Rescuer and Hero.  When you believe this, the only logical response is complete loyalty.

In John 11, Jesus Himself attends the funeral of one of his best friends.   And he did three very interesting things there:

First, He raised His friend from the dead.  It was Lazarus; you are probably familiar with the story.  All He did was speak the words, “Lazarus, come out!” and he did.  It is amazing!  His words alone have power to create life and restore life.  This is good news because we all need life to be restored to us on the inside.  He brings peace to our inner restlessness and quenches our inner thirst.  And the Bible teaches that when He returns, He will raise up the bodies of those who believe in Him, just like He did with Lazarus.  We will be given new, perfect bodies just the way we were originally intended to be.  Do you see?  We have two levels of brokenness and Jesus answers them both.

The second amazing thing is that earlier that day before He raised Lazarus, Jesus was with Lazarus’ two sisters, Mary and Martha, and He wept with them.  This is Jesus, fully God, knowing that He was about to raise their brother, but also fully man, identifying with their intense pain and feeling it too.  This should bring you so much comfort.  He feels your pain right now.  We have a God and Savior that is personal and can identify with us.  He is real and present here today and He is intimately acquainted with you even if you do not know Him.  He longs to make a difference in your life and bring comfort to your souls.  All you have to do is reach out to Him – He is there!

Thirdly, in John 11:25, Jesus makes an outrageous claim.  He says, “I am the resurrection and the life.  He who believes in Me will live even though he dies.”  He confidently claims to be the source of life and then He proved it with His actions by raising Lazarus.  He says if you believe in Him your soul will live even though your body dies.  And that life in your soul that only He can give will never die (as the next verse explains).  Then He ends His statement with a question to Lazarus’ sister, “Do you believe this?”  He is asking us the same question today.  “Do you believe this?”  Do you believe that Jesus is the source of life?  Can you admit that you are broken?  Do you see that it is because of your sin?  Where do you look to be fixed?  How’s it working out for you?  Will you consider turning to Jesus for Him to fix your brokenness?  You may think you’re too far gone to ever turn to Jesus but that’s not what He says.  He says anyone can believe in Him and He’ll wipe your slate clean.

I would suggest you read John 11 for yourself.  Ask God to open your eyes to the truth in the Bible.  I know the Bible may seem outdated at first, but give it a chance to sink in and you’ll find it is the most relevant book of truth for all seasons of your life, including this tragedy we’re currently facing.  

I can think of no greater way to honor Lindsey O’Brien Kesling on this day when we celebrate her life and mourn her death, than to evaluate our own lives and get right with God and those around us.

I love you Lindsey!

This post is part 3 of knowing God’s calling for your life.  Previously I mentioned there are 3 aspects to calling:  WHAT, WHERE, AND HOW.  The WHAT aspect of calling is that all believers are commissioned to share the good news of Christ with the lost. The WHERE is your current location; where you live, work, and play.  The HOW has to do with your individuality.

SHAPE is a helpful acrostic: Spiritual gifts, Heart desires, Abilities, Personality, and Experiences.   It takes time to understand these things about yourself, but you’ll find it quite helpful and freeing when you do.  I always benefit when I better learn myself.  For instance, I used to try to be more extroverted than I actually am.  This was very exhausting and anti-productive.   Now I know I’m relationally at my best after having sufficient alone time to refuel and refocus.  Another example…I used to leave my past in the past, not thinking how my experiences could uniquely connect me to people.  Now I look for ways to connect my past with those I’m reaching out to, providing a natural bridge for sharing my testimony of how Christ transformed me.

There are many helpful materials out there to learn your giftedness and personality type.   You can also excavate your own heart and mind through journaling.  Ask yourself…what are my heart’s desires? When have I been most useful in the kingdom?  What comes naturally to me? What abilities has God allowed me to develop over the years?  What topics make my face light up?  What experiences, pleasant and painful, have shaped my life? How might God use these in my future? Discuss these things with those who know you best.  Ask God for clarity and keep your eyes open for His providential hand at work in your future.

Three additional thoughts on learning your HOW:

Just in the last year have I pinpointed my love for packaging and presenting information.  When I’m writing and speaking on topics that advance God’s kingdom, I am EXTREMELY energized and hopefully useful.  So I suspect this will be my “station” in God’s workplace.  My capacity, audience, and venue may vary, but I’m seeing this as my niche. 

The important thing, however, is that I remember the end game, that all people groups are to hear the gospel and draw us closer to Revelation 7:9-10. So no matter how much I enjoy sitting here typing on my computer, I never want to neglect being in the lives of those around me that don’t know Jesus yet.  That’s a calling ALL believers share, and if you don’t know your specific job yet, at least you know that!  

This post is part 2 of knowing God’s calling for your life.  Previously I mentioned there are 3 aspects to calling:  WHAT, WHERE, AND HOW.  The WHAT aspect of calling is that all believers are commissioned to share the good news of Christ with the lost.  If you’re not on board with this part, the WHERE and the HOW aren’t going to matter much.  

The WHERE has to do with your current location in life.  If you are a working mom, then you are called to share the love of Christ at home and at work because that is where you are.  If you are a student then those in your classes and in your dorm are your WHERE.  Stay at home moms have their family and possibly neighbors or other moms they know from car pools, play dates, soccer practices, etc.  Randy Pope, a pastor in Atlanta, says “where you live, work, and play” is where we live out our calling.

So think about that for a second.  Where do you live?  Are you sharing a roof with anyone who is not a believer in Christ?  Do you have neighbors who need to hear the gospel?  Where do you work or go to school or volunteer?  Are there unbelievers there you could reach out to? And where do you play…the mall, the gym, the spa?  Whose paths do you cross on a regular basis that need to hear about Christ?  

The WHERE aspect is definitely a variable.  It changes for all of us.  There are natural changes because of school, work, or having a child, but sometimes God prompts us to pick up and go for no other reason than taking the gospel to a new place.  My WHERE has changed 6 times since I’ve been married, 5 times because of work related moves and once when I became a mom.   Each change opened the door to new relationships and new opportunities to share Christ. 

Being clear that the WHAT of our calling is always the point and the meaning behind each of our WHERE’s is key to a fulfilling life.  I’m sure we’ve all been in a location that we didn’t love...a city, school, or job that was drudgery.  But if you see your current placement as a divine appointment to accomplish the highest mission, it suddenly takes on a new look.  Feeling useful and productive are great solutions for boredom and discontentment!

I’m pretty sure I would go crazy staying home if I didn’t see the spiritual calling behind my full time mom job.  I literally feel the significance of each moment of teaching, loving, and caring for my children that it satisfies my naturally driven self.  We even only have one car right now but I don’t mind because there is no where I’d rather be than with my family and neighbors.  This is a testimony to God’s grace that He is willing to put feeble men and women in such eternally significant roles!  I LOVE my place in His kingdom!  And I know that when my kids are grown or if we relocate again, my new placement will be just as fulfilling because my overarching calling is always the same.  We truly can bloom where we're planted, no matter where that is.

The next 3 posts are about knowing God’s calling for your life.  I recently attended a Bible study with 10 other women discussing this very topic.  Two things are for sure…it’s a confusing topic for most of us AND we all really desire to know our calling.  Imagine the peace of mind and inner stillness that comes with being right where you are supposed to be!

To define calling, let’s use a metaphor.  Imagine life as God’s gigantic corporation, His workplace for us, filled with millions of jobs.  He’s the CEO and you’re His employee.  Your calling would be your specific placement in this company with a specific task to perform or role to fill that utilizes the abilities He made you with.  Can you see how this could be confusing?  How can I know that I’m working just the right job in God’s enormous company of life?

Well, the whole idea of a calling suggests that there is work to be done.  And when you define that work to be winning lost souls to Christ, the whole thing comes into view and simplifies significantly.  No, I may not yet know exactly my perfect fit in God’s kingdom work where I’m maximizing my SHAPE (Spiritual gifts, Heart desires, Abilities, Personality, Experiences,) but I do know that if I’m sharing my faith with those around me, I’m at least moving in the right direction. 

I learned to share my faith 13 years ago.  I memorized 4 main points with a couple of verse references to go with each point.  Then I learned how to communicate the 4 points in a kind, relational way by watching my friend do it.  It was simpler than I had anticipated.  As I started to try, it became more and more natural.  I can easily fit the gospel into everyday conversations now.  And you know what…some of my friends came to Christ along the way!  Some have even led others to Christ and are still walking with God to this day.  I recently spoke at a women’s retreat for college students where I was blown away to meet a girl who introduced herself to me as my spiritual great, great grandchild!

Now, ask me if I knew my specific placement in God’s workplace back in college when I first started sharing my faith?  No, I could barely articulate my strengths and weaknesses let alone my calling, but God was pleased to use my simple efforts.  And looking back at the last 13 years, they have been without a doubt full of the satisfaction that comes from living out one’s purpose.

With that said, I do have some thoughts on knowing your calling.  There is a WHAT, WHERE, and HOW to your calling.  The WHAT I’ve already mentioned - winning lost souls to Christ.  All believers share this general calling to proclaim the good news of Jesus rescuing us from God’s wrath and our sin.  We proclaim it with our words as well as affirm it with our lives.  Proclamation and Affirmation…I remember it because it rhymes.  The WHERE and HOW aspects are where each of our callings gets more specific.  I’ll address these points in the next 2 posts.

But for now, let’s ask ourselves these questions:  Do you know how to share the gospel?  Can you do it in a kind, relational way?  Is there anyone you can watch to learn how to do it?  Do you have any friends who don’t know Jesus?  Are you praying for them regularly?  How can you show them Christ’s love this week?

This post was going to be about mentoring.  But before I go there I need to say:  What is the point of thriving?  Why dedicate an entire blog to it?  So we can be useful in advancing God’s kingdom.  If we are not faithful with our “big rock” responsibilities, we won’t be mentally or emotionally available for outreach.  When I’m at odds with my husband, sharing Christ’s love with my neighbor is the last thing on my mind.  When I’m stressed because I didn’t budget my time well and now I’m behind on three different projects, my mind and heart are consumed with the temporal.  But if marriage, parenting, work, my home, my body, etc. are functioning smoothly, (not without glitches but as one who’s given careful forethought to each area), then my mind and heart are open to spiritual realities and opportunities.  

I’ve never wanted God’s kingdom to advance as much as I do now.  I’m begging God to bring my friends into a relationship with Christ.  I don’t want it to be just Brad and me sitting together at church but that we could fill an entire row with new believers in Christ!  Imagine how incredible that worship service would be.  I visualize it every Sunday morning, I can’t get past it.  If only He would use us like that!   I would give anything.  And why wouldn’t He?  Jesus told us to make disciples.  2 Corinthians 5 says God gave us the ministry of reconciliation.  If He gave us the ministry, He will use us, unless, of course, we’re not useful.  And that’s what the thriving thing is all about, helping us become useful.

2 Timothy 2:20-21 says “In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for noble purposes and some for ignoble.  If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work.”  I want to be useful more than anything in the world!!  The thought of partnering with the Master in His work feels to me like landing the dream job in the most influential industry.  What is more significant than being a player in advancing Jesus’ kingdom???  So how can I be useful?  Cleanse myself from articles used for ignoble purposes.  Umm, what does that mean?  Well, the verses around it are saying to turn away from wickedness, evil desires of youth, foolish arguments, quarreling, and resentment.  I guess those would be the wood and clay.  It also says to pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, a pure heart, kindness, and teaching ability.  Those would be the gold and silver.  Let’s evaluate the articles in our lives to see if we’re useful.  If we find we’re not, let’s do whatever it takes to get there…that’s what this blog hopes to help you do!

In college, I led some girls in my dorm to Christ and started leading them in a Bible Study.  But then my immaturity and unsurrendered areas of idolatry crept in and overtook all my usefulness.  AKA…I got boy crazy and the kingdom work lost its luster so I gave it up.  Fortunately, I had an awesome mentor and roommate who both walked me through it and called me back to following Christ.  I did, by God’s grace, and got back in the game.  It’s been 11 years since and being useful has been a 2 part effort:  praying for and sharing Christ with my friends, but also taking care of my big rocks so that when opportunities do come along I can act.  That’s being useful.  That’s living in light of the Great Commission.  If you want God to use you, then get ready for it!